seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
