Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
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