I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
