My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
