I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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