The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
