If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
