If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize