Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
