The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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