I'm gonna have a badass scar
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
