so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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