My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
