did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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