How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
