I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
