there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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