my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
