Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It's not a walk of shame if you run
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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