Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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