Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
