All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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