Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
