...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
