i don't like sucking hair
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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