24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You're like the curious george of whores
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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