the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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