Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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