You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
