I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
