yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We have started to decorate penises.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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