you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
