Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
