my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
