i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
