someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
