i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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