God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
