"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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