addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
