the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
