I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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