Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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