you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My bed smells like the plague
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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