I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
