guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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