I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just pee around me
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
