She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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