Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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