True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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