this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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