you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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