My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
