Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
