i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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