A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
