ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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