I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
