does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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