i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
