you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
