i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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