hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Even my vagina gasped.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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