Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
It's Friday. Sex?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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