they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
